Need to get this off my chest
Several months ago, I overheard a phone conversation between my mom and sister. I wasn’t eavesdropping, my mom was just talking really loudly and I could hear her from the living room, which my bedroom is right next to.
My mom had my sister on speakerphone and for the most part I wasn’t listening to their conversation. But then I heard my name…
I heard my mom talk about my job and that I should get a new one–a real one. She said that, well, I can’t remember the exact words. But I do remember this: she said I was a disappointment. She said I can’t live at home forever and that basically I could just go live in the “looney bin” if I can’t handle it anywhere else. Yes, those were her exact words.
I sat in my bed in shock, unsure of how to react. I love my mom more than anything, and I know–and have known for a long time–that she wants me to get a “real job”, whatever that means. I know she wants me to move out and get my own apartment, but I just haven’t been able to do so quite yet. Although, I am working on it.
I didn’t cry, but I was so, so hurt. I never told her that I overheard her. Because, deep down, I know she’s right. I am a disappointment. I am a child who failed to launch and survive adulthood. Can I help it? Sometimes I feel like I can and I look at apartments for rent and second jobs to get. Sometimes the thought of leaving home sends me straight into an hour-long panic attack.
My mom has never behaved in such a way that makes me think she believes I am a disappointment. She encourages me and wants the best for me. We have a really good relationship and get along great and like to spend time with each other. I just don’t understand what would drive her to say something like that.
But that doesn’t matter. I made this post because this has been sitting in my chest for months on end and I just need to get it out. It’s been haunting me. I think about it almost every night. I just want to forget it ever happened.
